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Jokes and Funny Stuff for Seniors

The nice thing about being senile
You are always meeting new friends!

Do you know the four signs of growing old?
First, forgetting names. Second, forgetting faces. Third, forgetting to zip up and fourth, forgetting to zip down.

You might be getting old if...

You get into a heated argument about pension plans.
You would rather go to work than stay home sick.
It's hard to be nostalgic when you can't remember anything.
You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.
Middle age is when you have stopped growing at both ends, and have begun to grow in the middle.
Your knees buckle but your belt doesn't.
Middle age is when work is a lot less fun - and fun is a lot more work.
You get winded playing chess.
Your mind makes contracts your body can't fulfill.
A dripping faucet causes an uncontrollable bladder urge
Everyone speaks so low you can't hear them.
Your little black book only contains names ending in MD.
You look forward to a dull evening.
You're still chasing women, but can't remember why.
Statistics show that at the age of seventy, there are five women to every man. Now isn't that a great time for a guy to get those kind of odds?
You enjoy hearing about other people's operations.
Neighbors borrow your tools.
You go bowling without drinking.
You're getting old when you wake up with that morning-after feeling, and you didn't do anything the night before!
Everything hurts, and when it doesn't, it doesn't work.
The end of your tie doesn't come anywhere near the top of your pants.
After painting the town red you have to take a nap before a 2nd coat.
You're asleep, but others worry that you're dead.
You wear black socks with sandals.
New clothes are getting smaller in the hips and waist.
A lot of room in the house, but none in the medicine cabinet.
You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks into the room.
You turn out the light for economic, not romantic reasons.
The cardiologist's diet: if it tastes good, spit it out.
You meet an old friend who has aged so much she doesn't recognize you.
Your ears are hairier than your head.
Your arms are almost too short to read the newspaper.
You give up running for the bus because it leaves much faster than it used to.
You finally know your way around and don't feel like going.
You have a party and the neighbors don't even realize it.
You are proud of your lawn mower.
You join a health club and don't go.
You feel like the night before and didn't even go out.
People are much younger than they were when you were their age, but people your age are older than your are.
When you lean over to pick something up off the floor, you ask yourself if there is anything else you need to do while you are down there.
People call at 9 pm and ask, "Did i wake you?"
Stairs are much steeper than they used to be and they're using smaller print in the papers.
You decide to procrastinate but never get around to it.
You know all the answers but no one asks the questions.
You sink your teeth into a steak and they stay there.
Middle age is when it takes longer to rest than to get tired.
Everything is farther away than it used to be and it's twice as far to the corner than it used to be and they've added a hill.
You sit in a rocking chair and can't make it go.
Dialing long distance tires you out.
You're 17 around the neck, 43 around the waist and 100 around the golf course.
Your best friend is dating someone half their age...and isn't breaking any laws.
You know you're into middle age when you realize that caution is the only thing you care to exercise.
There are three signs of old age. The first is your loss of memory. I forget the other two.
You know you're getting on in years when the girls at the office start confiding in you.
You're getting old when you don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don't have to go along.
Your back goes out more than you do.